who are you to tell me you love me

so here's something i learned about myself tonight.
on my one year anniversary with my long distance boyfriend, with whom i am madly in love, i call him at midnight.
i felt nothing when he told me he cheated on me.
twice.
i feel nothing.
i was right.

but wait..

I know a secret.

In less than 40 hours, I return to my adult life. The life I lead without rebellion, without youth, without blithe. This is not my secret. My secret will do two simultaneous things to my carriage. It will pour a heaviness on my shoulders. Simultaneously I will glide as if half my bodyweight has been left behind. It is an emotional slither that I can only gain after orgasmic moments. I will be walking through mud, but without disdain. How often can you glide through mud?

When I accepted this adult role, no more than 8 months ago, I unfastened my youth from my waist. Everything I had said I was, I no longer was. I had no idea the power of denial was so strong. Where did my ideals go? I remember now.

I remember now who I am. I remember the beauty in life, what makes one glide through the mud. I remember that part of myself that I liked. She ain’t so bad. The girl who walks with a smile that hides a secret no one knows. A secret she will share because there is always room for love.

Take a sip of this refreshing wine and feel what I say. I will always make room for love.

I feel with you, I really do. You have had to walk through the mud just like I have. Your feet get heavy, you end up looking like shit. Not to mention you’ll feel humiliated if you dwell on it. I am begging you to reconsider. Mud washes off. You can scrape your shoe along the pavement and scuff it off your person. Take the pain and play in the mud. You’ll stink, you’ll need a shower, you’ll get yourself dirty, discouraged, and dominated. Wouldn’t it be more worth the hassle if you found yourself empowered and alive? I swear to you, it can be done. Please please do it, enjoy yourself.

Any language but her own

I am incapable of pure love.
That’s the first time I’ve said it in admission. I knew something was wrong with me. I kept trying to rationalize it out loud with my late-night conversation companions, the girls who would come over or be up all night studying with me, and they always told me I was crazy.
-“You are SO not a selfish person! You’re one of the most loving people I know!” Thanks for the compliment but there's no need to exaggerate.
-“You’re just hurting. You’ll get over it.” I was hurting. I stopped hurting because I gave my heart to someone else. It doesn't matter what he did with it, the point is, he took it. I didn't want to deal with feelings anymore. Feelings made me lose my health, my innocence and my mind.
-“It just feels that way because you’ve been robbed of the love you gave.” This one had me fooled for a while. This one comes from the girlfriend who turns everything around so meticulously to the point where she can deflect any kind of blame away from herself. She uses her skill here to come to my rescue as my poise has developed a sclerosis of some kind. She tries to show me that I have been betrayed, that it was all his fault. Watch her wise words at work. --> I "gave" my love to someone. He "robbed" me of my love. Contradictory statements, but it makes sense to the weeping woman who desperately wants to hate her heartbreaker. It works. It will work on almost any woman in tears. I urge you to keep a close eye on the woman who is not susceptible to this trickery, she is likely to see the truth. If he left her because he simply couldn't stand her overbearing, clingy, and frankly dull personality, she's likely to grasp that notion on her own. Beware, you cannot bullshit a woman like this. She knows her weaknesses. Power to her.

-To you women who want to grow past your weaknesses, beware the friend who won't let you see them.-

It’s been over for a year. I still can’t feel love for anyone. I “looooove” a lot of people. But I don’t truly and deeply and selflessly love anyone. And I can't bring myself to do it either. I'll hang up if you're getting in the way of my sleep. I have work tomorrow and I'm not losing sleep because you broke up with your boyfriend. ... What a bitch. I'm waiting to discover that person who will change me back. It's been a year since I gave my heart away. I have not yet found a person I will unconditionally love. This makes me feel tremendous amounts of hopelessness like you can't even believe.

Well. Maybe one person. The child. The only creature that excites me to the bone. The creature whose first breath on this earth I was witness to. The inchling whose first blink made it impossible for me to do so. I don't matter when I'm around her, I care the least about myself.

Maybe that's true love. It has nothing to do with sex. They should have told us that in high school. Maybe we would have been more comfortable in our bodies.

Maybe it's because she came along before anything else. He left me. He left me too. I left a few as well. That hurt. But after she came along. I always knew what would make that hurt insignificant, and it was always her. Hurt right now is different. Now, hurting is just motivation to learn, to be better for her. Funny how she can do that, just by continuing to exist. She'll never know what she means to me. Not until she has a her of her own.